Ralph de barrelo
My life story before I got sick. Still something wrong!
My childhood was anything but fun, just say heavy shit and that in itself is a big understatement, it was mainly survival.
My father was not at home much since he worked on the North Sea in Norway. When he was not at home, my brother and I were neglected. After the divorce of my parents, this only got worse and especially increased psychological abuse towards me. I especially felt that my mother did not like me unlike my twin brother.
I had a few times in crying panic, because I did not know how to proceed, called my father and asked for help and come to help us. But my father could not do anything from the Netherlands and was no one else to help us.
I was more often angry and hysterical with my mother. This was my way of expressing as a child that I was not doing well and that I was totally NOT OK with the situation and how everything was going. This led to many heated arguments between my mother and I on a weekly basis. In the end, the responsibility, and everything I had to do, became too much for me and I had a total breakdown when I had to write an essay for school. My creativity was completely gone.
Since that day I have behaved differently, the shock of the breakdown was so great that I began to express myself less and, above all, to sit in my head. I had learned not to speak out and when I started to express myself or speak out, I mainly thought about how to express myself first. I was no longer myself patterns had emerged that were not my own, survival patterns. A different personality had emerged. I no longer expressed my anger and mainly swallowed this. The patterns that were created are trauma patterns.
At my 15e I went to the annual school party despite not being allowed by my mother and this led to me being thrown out of the house and in the middle of the night I had to find a place to sleep. I had nothing but some clothes and my moped. According to my twin brother, I first seem to have wandered around before I got a room at a college from the municipality.
After that I was mainly busy going out on weekends and during the weeks I didn't really do anything special. I had no goals or dreams at the time. After graduating, I finally decided to move to my father in the Netherlands.
When I came to the Netherlands in 1995 I had to go to school but I was not allowed anywhere. I first had to do NT2, which is Dutch as a second language. I ended up among refugees and I soon noticed that I didn't feel like it and therefore started skipping a lot.
After the NT2 I would go to a high school. My father took me to Zeist to an institution that investigated what school level I could. Here I did an IQ and a career choice test. The IQ test I scored well with 127 or 131 but the career choice test was very bad. In this test I asked a lot of questions and it turned out to work on a dredge boat. I had only filled something with travel and technology. The advice was to do HAVO in a high school.
In Soest I was not accepted because no Dutch lessons were given and because of this I would not pass the first year. I had to switch to a school in Amersfoort, it became the AmersfoortseBerg. A very nice school with many new friends.
Where in Denmark I was used to taking the lesson material without doing homework, this was no longer the case. I didn't go to class and I didn't do homework. Within six months I was gone.
After that I went to Luzac College, a private school in Utrecht. I didn't do any homework and I didn't come along in the course material, and I was also quickly out of here. I have another letter from a fellow student at Luzac college saying " Why don't you learn!"To this question I had no answer!
During this period I had a friend with whom I was in love but I was difficult to show this to her. We had a very nice time together and with her I could finally be myself again and I got out of my head. And because I was so bad at school, I told her that I was done with it and wanted to end my life. She's the only one I've ever told this to. When she went to Amsterdam I found this difficult. I was very insecure about myself and did not know how to deal with the situation. I wanted to visit her there and ask if she also came to see me, but instead of asking, the patterns from my childhood struck again to protect myself. In my head, all sorts of wrong scenarios went through my head, and out of fear I broke off the relationship.
After this I followed 4 & 5 HAVO in a year at the ROC for adults. This was coming home for me. It was quiet concentrated classes and everyone was quiet so I passed exams again without doing homework. I got everything here except Dutch.
After high school I had no idea what I wanted to do but being a pilot in the Air Force seemed like fun, the freedom to fly in a jet plane. I applied for the position of pilot in the Air Force and was invited to the selection procedure. Here we got psychological tests and navigation tests etc. to begin with. It was exciting to know if you made it or not because psychological games were played with you. The first time you passed a test if you stayed in the room at the second round it was different, if you had passed it you had to come along, which gave rise to the idea that you had failed but then you had passed it correctly. The last test was a kind of Dogfight test where I got one after the highest score. I was particularly proud of this and I received an invitation to fly down to Soesterberg.
Nothing ever came of this. It was possible to make another appointment with the air force this was not a problem but during that appointment I was lying on the bed with the flu despite the fact that I canceled on time, it never came from a second appointment. I cried deeply about this.
Still having no idea what I wanted out of life and feeling lost, I chose to study mechanical engineering. I didn't last long on this. It was difficult for me to concentrate and I had no interest in the training. I let the study shoot for a time.
The next study was a civil engineering study, I also chose this study for the reason that you could work abroad and had a lot of free time in certain work sectors. I never chose a study that I really liked, since I never knew what I wanted to do. It was about freedom. Again, I had a lot of problems with learning and concentrating since I didn't really like the study. During my graduation internship at Beyond Foundation Engineering, I couldn't concentrate on my work, I didn't find the subject interesting either, and ended up graduating from school instead of the company. It also took me 10 years to complete the study. During my studies, I mainly worked as a bartender on weekends.
After completing my civil engineering studies, I started working offshore. This seemed to me a great opportunity for adventurous work, I had found out that sitting at a desk does not become happy. It was hard and a lot of work. But on the other hand, you also had a lot of free time when you were at home and a good salary.
Where my childhood was mainly characterized by stress, trauma and a lot of worry and a lot of moves and different schools, my study time consisted mainly of not knowing what I wanted to do with my life. Not the ideal standard family picture with security.
I've always had something with nature. So much energy is released in me, so I feel better. But I have never been able to sit still and enjoy or just lie in the sun. Something always had to happen. I miss an inner peace. It's also called a stress child. This often occurs in children who have had stress during their birth, such as a premature baby or caesarean section.
My brother and I were born by caesarean section and the many stress and trauma in my childhood is the reason why my body is constantly in stress mode. This stress is also called the nor-adrenaline state. The body is in the chronic stress state. Ook bekend als fight, flight or freeze stand. We also found out that I (HSP) am a highly sensitive person. Everything comes inside me.
These three factors (HSP), unprocessed trauma and the nor adrenaline level explain why Lyme got the better of me so quickly. Lyme deals very well with deep-seated trauma.